A Valentine Birthday

I’m sure, like many people who share a birthday with a holiday, you have a love/hate relationship with either your birthday or the holiday. This post was originally just for Instagram, but I quickly realized that I had so much more to say on the subject. In a way, it was cathartic and I apologize if it sounds like a rant.

As you may have guessed, I share a birthday with Valentine’s Day. I have my mother to thank or blame for that because when it came time for her C-section (my mom is tiny and I was well over 10lbs) on February 13th, 1970, she asked if they could wait until the 14th. I’m thinking that she thought it would be all pink hearts and roses for me. And, it was for a while. When we (my siblings and I) were young, my parents always made our birthdays special by having the dining room decorated and our McCain frozen cake (mine was white) with candy decorations ready when we got up in the morning. Since we exchanged Valentine’s at school, my Mom wanted me to feel special so she always made sure that I had chocolates and candy to give away to my friends apart from the Valentine cards, and my Dad gave me a heart shaped box of chocolates every year until I left home.

As much as I loved that my parents did this for me, sharing my birthday with a holiday made it impossible for people to forget. To the people I know now, saying that I was cripplingly shy as a child and teen might confuse them, but being put on the spot, whether it was going to the front of the class to share those goodies or being sung Happy Birthday by the kids on the bus could bring me to tears or crawling under a seat. Just thinking about the embarrassment is giving me knots in my stomach.

Adulthood was different. Going out on Valentine’s Day was and still is more expensive than other days of the year. I get it! And those couples who have paid for that romantic dinner aren’t happy with a birthday gathering looming over their “LOVE” time. My day came when my boyfriend proposed (it was a surprise!) to me on Valentine’s Day at a café we loved. He even went down on one knee before rushing off to a symphony practice. And 20 years later, I found out he was having an affair when he skipped out on my birthday to go on a skiing weekend with a “work buddy”. It left a sour taste in my mouth and I didn’t celebrate either my birthday or Valentine’s Day for a couple of years after that. I even hid the date on Facebook, hoping that people would forget. That didn’t work out either. lol

Over the last few years, I’ve been digging down deep into my psyche trying to understand some of my feelings, my anxieties and my discomforts associated with my birthday, among other things. I mentioned how shy I was as a child and teen but I also felt invisible. I know! It doesn’t make a lot of sense. Our perception of what’s happening is usually not what’s actually happening. I’m pretty sure, in adulthood, I didn’t want to be overlooked and I didn’t want to be disappointed when Valentine’s Day overshadowed my birthday, so I chose “CONTROL” to avoid any pain. I’m not so sure that it’s a healthy choice but I am sure that I’m not alone in doing this. You see, if I helped my kid bake my cakes, if I planned a “Death By Chocolate” for my 40th, a party at my house, invited friends to an album release party or have fun playing video games and pinball for my 50th, I wouldn’t have to worry about being forgotten or hoping that someone else had made plans for me.

But, here’s the thing…I don’t really believe I’ll be forgotten and I don’t really care if my birthday is celebrated on the 14th or not. I’m even starting to embrace the idea of a Valentine’s Day birthday theme, it sure makes things easier. lol And maybe, just maybe, I will start giving up control and see what happens. I might be pleasantly surprised, or not and that’s ok too.

Until lately, I dealt with stuff like this on my own. Although, talking it out has always been my process, I’ve come to the realization that when someone is listening and encouraging me, I’m much more efficient. And this is how I’m healing myself from what I perceive to be my past traumas. It’s taken me some time, some therapy and a whole lot of reading for me to develop and understand my process but it is my process.

Lots of love,

Julie